Complaining Blog

You would think from the fury and frequency of my complaints these days that I am on my period or something. I am not. I just have a lot of feelings.

So, I know I've totally done this before so I'm a hypocrite for saying anything, but I hate when people think that the thing they are going through is so much worse than it was for everyone else who went through it.

The problem with saying that your commonplace event is soooooo hard is that we have all done that thing that you are complaining about and it wasn't that bad. Sure it sucked. Lots of stuff sucked. But I promise, if literally 100% of the people who you know made it through their identical situation, then you are probably going to survive too.

Besides, I'm not exactly sure what people think is going to happen to them from going through stressful situations. Do people really think that they are going to not be able to make it? What do they think will happen? No one has died from their spouse taking the bar. No one has exploded from their kids having to stay inside due to poor weather. No one has or ever will spontaneously combust because they have more morning sickness than anyone ever. Eventually the stressful situation will be over and I hope they feel stupid for having been such a bawl-baby. Everyone just needs to stop being so friggin dramatic about their petty life problems. It makes me want to set myself on fire.

All the Home Birth peeps say that you HAVE to watch the amazing documentary on home births. (I'm not pregnant of course, nor am I considering it in the near future. But I do have a lot of child-bearing aquaintances and this particular topic freaks me out an especial much so I was curious to see what all the buzz was about. Plus I might do the human baby, not dog baby thing someday.) It's called The Business of Being Born, and it is produced by Ricky Lake, so right away you know its going to be awesome. Blah, blah, blah, women are so stupid who go to hospitals, doctors don't know anything, hospitals are for sick people,women don't educate themselves on birth, hospitals are ruining the bonding experience by forcing drugs on mothers, midwifes are better, midwifes are so experty, home birth is the only smart way and if you don't do it at home you are putting your baby in danger of those greedy doctors who just want to slice you open for money. Blah, blah blah.

It made me so mad that I watched another one called Pregnant in America. Same thing. Doctors are greedy and clueless and don't care about anything but getting your kid out in time for their vacation. Midwifes at your house are the only safe and smart person way. Any other way will ruin your baby and give it ADHD.

Sure. Home birth is the best. Except if you are the main lady in documentary #1- if she had tried to give birth to her premature breech baby at home by squashing it out of her vag she would have broken it's neck and killed it. Plus had it made it out alive it would have died from being premature. She ended up having a c-section. Or the lady in documentary #2, who did give birth at home and ended up having to take her baby to the hospital by ambulance afterward, where the baby stayed for 7 days in the NICU. They put this in the documentary and are still trying to tell you that home birth is best! I guess if you are commited enough to your opinion on the matter to make a documentary then you are too commited to the idea to see the facts that are contrary to your opinion.

Another thing was about how much more cost effective it is to use a mid-wife instead of going to the hospital. Of course it is. Duh. Hospitals are full of expensive, life-saving equipment and trained professionals, all of which must be paid for. Midwifes come to your house, spray a little Pam down there and tell you to breathe. Which one sounds more costly? But here's an idea- if you can't afford to have a baby, don't have one!


Geez. If someone wants to have their baby in a bathtub, or make the placenta into a vest, or whatever other weird thing these crunchy people do, fine. No one cares. Get it out however you want. But do it in a hospital! And that is my feelings on home births.

So many times in stores these days I'm like "ooh, cute maxi dress!" And then, bam, it's a jumper.

A word on couponing.

No wonder all the stuff I want to buy at the grocery store is not there! It's sitting in some couponers basement gathering dust, just like my mom's roll-on-deodorant collection of the early 90's. Why do you EVER need to buy 10 bottles of ketchup? I know you can get them .86 cents each, but WHY? Why would a person do that?

There is no way you can ever use ten bottles of ketchup (or 16 boxes of pop-tarts, or whatever) before it is gross. Yet, to the couponer, this is irrelevant. They only notice that they are getting a great deal on crap that they can classify as "food storage" and put in their basement, right next to the yak lubricant that they got for only .15 cents a gallon and will never, ever use, until their whole house if full of cheap gross food. But it was a good deal!

Did they ever consider leaving some tortillas for the rest of us to buy? I just want one. Is that such a sacrifice, couponers? To leave one tortilla for me? Or must you have all 16 bags to cram into your deep freeze until you pull them out three years later when they have become an ice encrusted mystery?

And if they are getting such a great deal on all these tons and tons of food, why do I read (on facebook no less! Facebook is not a place to write about your trip to the grocery store or your child peeing themself! It is supposed to be for things that don't make everyone else want to barf!) about couponers going to the store twice a week? If you really buy that much food the only way you can eat it is if you are horrifyingly obese, or have 12 children. Oddly, the specific couponer I am complaining about is neither. So why does she need to go to the store 2x a week when she already bought 10 gallons of maple syrup last week? Can't she make something with that?

Leave some groceries for the rest of us you greedy couponers. And go through all the crap you've purchased and check the dates. I'm sure at least half of it is expired. Now you'll have to go back to the store!

Here is a list of things I wish for:

1. That I never, ever, ever had to pump my own gas. It is my least favorite job.
2. I have a lot of feelings about the stupid crap people do! Why can't I tell them how stupid/annoying they are being and just have it taken as the fact that it is instead of some huge deal? Of course, ideally people would just not be stupid in the first place.
3. That all indoor spaces were kept at 76*. All the time. The only exceptions are steam rooms.
4. A pogo stick.
5. No tomatoes would ever touch my food in any way. Except for lasagna and still it should be mostly cheese.
6. It was ok to laugh at ugly babies. Sometimes they just look like old men. Why do I still have to call them cute? It's not cute. It's hilarious. But I can't laugh at them. It's not like the baby will care!
7. That Obie didn't hide under the bed. What is he doing under there?
8. More unicorns.
9. To never have to listen to a discussion about politics again.
10. A zillion dollars.
11. The perfect sofa. I finally find one I love only to discover that the cushions aren't removable. How can you have a sofa if you can't clean under the cushions?! That's disgusting. But it's so pretty...
12. To not have to look at pictures of tragic 3rd world country children on internet advertisements. That is not helping me want to donate money. It's just making me sad and grossed out.
13. EVERYONE would wear deoderant.
14. More people got what they deserved.
15. Pedicare stores stayed open later.
16. Malls stayed open later.
17. All rolling back-packs would explode.
18. My nails grew at the same rate on each finger.
19. "Business Shorts" were not a thing.
20. To be able to select the memories I wanted to remember. Like, grandparents- yes remember. My mom's friend Esther and her kids and how they smelled- not remember.

End of list.