Complaining Blog

The following is a list of pictures to Do and Don't post on your blog.

Don't: Pictures of your kids with any of the following on their face- stitches, blood, swollen parts, oozing wounds of any sort, bugs, dirt, poo, any food other than 1st birthday cake. That is disgusting. Don't you want people to think your children are cute?

Do: Pictures of you as a family.

Don't: Pictures of your family vogue-ing it like you are on The OC. We don't need any pictures of a 6 year old trying to make an Olsen twins face.

Do: Pictures of your family vacation.

Don't: Pictures of you in a bikini or your hubby shirtless. No one wants to see that.

Do: Frudunk (baby bump) pictures. Fun!

Don't: Birth or immediate post birth pictures. Let's just be honest- all babies look gross when they are still covered in the goo. I don't care how special those first 20 minutes are; keep it to yourself.

Do: A picture of your pet.

Don't: 9 Pictures of your pet. I know as well as anyone that you can love your pet. But pets can't replace real friends no matter how many cute pictures you take of them! Even and especially if the pet is in costume during the pictures. That being said, I did buy Obie a Halloween costume two Halloweens ago and he looked really cute.

Do: A picture of yourself.

Don't: A picture of yourself that you took by yourself (this applies only to face type shots- not frudunks. Those are cute). It's weird. If no one wanted to take a picture with you in it that probably means that no one wanted to look at a picture of you either. If you really think you are so pretty that you absolutely must have a picture of yourself you can do one of two things. 1- Ask someone to take a pretty picture of you. Chances are they probably already know you are vain and won't be surprised by the request. 2- Set the self timer on your camera so it at least looks like you have a friend who wants to commemorate your prettiness on film. P.S. We can all tell when it was taken with a web-cam!

Do: Again, pictures of your family.

Don't: Pictures of your family in which everyone has their eyes shut/ mouth open/ is mid-sneeze/ looks generally fugly except for you look really pretty. Not cool! Take one for the team and put up the picture where everyone looks decent! This also applies to sending out Christmas cards. Don't you get cards all the time where the mom looks really good but the kids are crying and the dad is like, asleep?

Do: Again, pictures of your kids. Mostly thats why anyone reads anyone else's blog anyway. Except for mine, which has a large fan base due the the hilarity of my writing and the witty manner in which I impart the tales of my glamorous life.

Don't: Naked pictures of your kids. It just is not right. Those should be saved for embarrassing the child later on, not flaunted for the whole interwebs to see! Furthermore, don't you feel obligated to have a sense of modesty on behalf of those who are too young to have their own? You should. There is no need for the internets to see your kids doodle even if his bathtub mo-hawk was totally cute or he was wearing daddy's boots. Plus, perverts. You never know!

Do: Various Pictures

Don't: Pictures of gross stuff including but certainly not limited to: a loaf of bread that looks like a peen, your rash, your swollen ankle, the dead thing you found in your driveway that you are convinced your neighbor put there to spite you for not shoveling the sidewalk far enough, you and your spouse kissing (we already know you like each other! Isn't that why you are married?), kids on toilets, stained things, and cats.

Sorry if you have any of these things on your blog. It probably just means you are lame. Think of this as an opportunity to improve!