Complaining Blog

Seriously, whose idea was it, as a settler or nomad or whatever, to make their home in a place that was not warm? Why would a person who is wandering all over the earth anyway stop in a horrible place, thus setting the precedent for a vast population of people to inhabit the horrible place? I will never understand why, if there are nice places on the earth, people live by choice in the not nice places.

Basically I'm just complaining that the weather sucks. I hate winter and snow and days that the sun never shines. Poo poo poo on the poor weather.

There is nothing I despise more than standing in line. Really, is there anything in life more degrading than being forced to huddle together and slowly proceed to your destination like a bunch of cattle being herded? And it is never to anything cool; lines always lead to something like a cheap buffet or the cranky lady at the DMV. You know that those cashiers in the grocery store feel such a power trip when there is a line in their aisle. They know that they could close their register at anytime and then what would happen to the line? Everyone has to run as fast as they can to get in line somewhere else. It is quite humiliating. I doubt that celebrities or royalty ever have to submit to line-standing. It is something only "commoners" do. But the worst thing are people who stand too close to you in line. I am not kidding, I have had people nudge me repeatedly with their guts in an effort to get me to move up in line. Do they not understand how a line works? Do the think that if they are not standing directly on me there will be a sudden rush for their spot in line? Sometimes when people are standing too close to me I will start singing that song "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Not loud, just loud enough so the too-close stander can hear. Also I will stand way, way far back from the person in front of me because I know it bugs the person behind me. And so that they will learn proper line-standing etiquette.

Only two days ago I was in the sunshine in a bikini and I loved, loved, loved it. Today it was too cold outside for the elementary school kids to go out for recess. Only four hours apart by car, these locations were, but so many more miles apart in misery. I'l never understand how I made myself come back home. Or how I will make it to August before I move to a reasonable climate. Uugghhh. Stupid cold weather.

I have fairly small feet. It seems like there are a lot of girls who share this fate, but if that is the case why are there never shoes my size in stores? There are a lot of us who will buy them! Either everyone on earth gets to the store before I do, or not enough small shoe sizes are begin made. Any way it goes down it's bad news for me.

The worst part about the laundromat is that no matter what kind of detergent and dryer sheets you use, the clothes always come back smelling like poor people. Not to mention all the lugging clothes about and homeless people asleep in the back.

There is no proper weight for a celebrity to be. Everyone makes a big deal that they are anorexic if they are too skinny, but if they show even an ounce of womanly figure they are 'pregnant'. Then if they get kind of fatty they have to do a special in People Magazine about their weight problems, the the celebrity hires a personal trainer and loses a million pounds in a week and then there is another People Magazine special about how they lost all the weight. This is the most retarded thing to occupy one's mind and the fact that I even know about it frosts my cake. Personally I think it's healthier to err on the side of too skinny. It's easy for me to say that because I'm fat, so I don't have to worry about the health problems that come from being too thin. However, I would really prefer for people to just be mocked no matter what their weight is.

Being flat chested.
Bra shopping is the hardest thing ever. Why doesn't any bra manufacturer understand the plight of the small bosomed woman? My experience leads me to believe that all bras are made in a C cup size and then they take the same design and make it with a smaller cup, but the same shape of cup does not apply to an A as it does to a C. I have boobie needs here people! They consist of the following:

• Much padding, that will not get lumpy upon the first washing
• Very adjustable straps (my boobs are weirdly high ...I think that is what you would call it. I'm not sure. All I know is the straps are always too long so my boobs just kind of dangle in there, with and inch of space left at the bottom of the bra, which is where my boob should be.)
• Durability. Again with the washing thing. I do not appreciate a brazier that falls apart and gets all stretchy if it gets washed. I can handle air drying them, but I refuse to hand wash my bras. Too much time, plus it seems gross.
• Padding on the front, not just the bottom. I think bra makers are assuming that I have something to push up, but I'm buying an A cup, folks. I don't have anything to push up. I get the padded so it willl look like I do, but then the padding is all in the bottom, so it just makes my boobettes look like they are flat and longer and it is wierd.
• No itchy tags. The hardest part of my life might be itchy tags. Even if I try to cut them out they seem to leave that little bit of extra itchy fabric that the scissors can't reach without cutting the fabric.

If anyone finds this bra, do let me know. Also I should stipulate that I don't want it to cost a bojillion dollars either. I don't have a lot to spend because I'm saving up for a boob job.

Posting pictures of yourself or spouse in a bikini/bathing suit. Seriously? People think that is ok? Apparently, because it is all over the place. Blogs, facebook, ... other stuff probably. People- Even if you or your spouse is super hot why would you want every single person on your blog/ facebook to be able to see that? Maybe I just don't get it because I look gross in a bikini. That doesn't change the fact that I think it is freakin weird.

If you are married your goodies are meant to be seen by your spouse only and any incidental bathing suit wear age is purely out of circumstantial need. That need does not include a bathing suit photo shoot in your parent's hot tub over thanksgiving that you proceed to post as your blog header and facebook profile picture. That is gross!

When you think about it, do you really want all those people checking out your spouse? I wouldn't. As attractive as I find my husband I do not think others would appreciate seeing his bathing suit business on the internet, and if they did like it I would be mad that they looked. That's mine to look at! No one elses!

Also, how hot do you really think you are, that you need every one on facebook to be able to see it- bikini style? Don't you feel any shame seeing yourself mostly naked on a computer screen? Plus isn't your spouse mad that everyone can ogle your goodies online? Did you think of that before you posted your almost nudie pics? Clearly not. You also did not consider that everyone else does not appreciate looking at you in your bathing suit.

Sure, take pictures at the beach, but for heavens sake, use a non-full body shot if you must display those pictures on the internet. If people want to see nearly naked bodies there are much hotter and more naked ones than yours to be seen online.

Everyone- don't put swim suit pictures of yourself online. It is wierd and gross and unpleasant to see. If you do at least have the decency to photoshop a bubble on top of it or something, so we don't have to be shocked and grossed out at your business.

Note: If you are single then posting bikini pictures of yourself is an acceptable practice, as it is considered a form of advertising. It is only when you are in a serious relationship that you need to knock that crap off.

I hate aggresive drivers. Do they really think that where they are going is more important that where everyone else is going? Today, a snowy, frozen ground kind of day, I saw a dude pull into a parking spot at the Chili's like he was in a hurry to warn people of the impending explosion of the earth. Really he was just coming to get a hamburger. What is his problem? Not only should he have been driving reasonably in the first place, but he should have been driving extra carefully since the ground was all icy, and yet he insisted on pulling into a parking spot at 35 mph and coming to a screeching halt. Why? What a d.b.

Short hair on girls, cold weather, poorly made scarves, my depressing lack of boobs, and stuck microwave doors. Also the popcorn store at the mall that stinks up the whole north wing, and the bunch of whores at the nail salon that always talk about you while doing your nails.

Plus I think I should note that I also hate people who think the cute way to write on their blog is LikE tHiS. Bad typing is not a joke people. It is real and it is a problem for us all.

People's blog music is retarded. Must it all be the most annoying song ever? Also does it have to blast out at a million decibals when you are least expecting it to turn on? Apparently yes, it does.

Dear Everyone- if you are over 11 years old you should not like listening to Natasha Bedingfield, and should not subject the rest of us to it either. It is gross! Also you should not have the same five songs on your blog as every single one of your lame friends does. Do you honestly all only like those same five songs? I really doubt it because they all suck and so do you. Listen to a grown up music if you are a grown up. I know that you think you are cool if you still listen to what the high school kids are listening to but I have bad news for you- high school music blows. There is a reason no one else in the world wants to listen to that stuff. It blows. Can you really imagine a cool adult having listened to Mmmm-bop? Even if it was cool when you were in high school doesn't mean it was cool to the rest of the world, and such is the case with all the crappy music that I have to listen to when I go to your blog. I am only there to make fun of you anyway, so I guess I shouldn't complain, but I should only have my sense of sight, intelligence and propriety insulted when doing that. Not my delicate ears too. Get with the program and choose some music that you didn't yoink from you little sister's mini-ipod while she was gone babysitting. Also, if that music is on someone else's blog that you visit regularly don't be a copy cat. Choose something of your very own. You wouldn't buy the same clothes as your friend- don't have the same blog music. It's just manners. It is also manners to choose things that are not going to start out blastingly loud and unexpectedly. Also good manners- posting pictures of yourself so I can see if you have gotten fat. Thanks for your cooperation.

XOxo

Working hard sucks. All this waking up and doing things...not for me. Someday I fully intend to be one of those obese people who live in bed. Everyone takes care of them and does tv shows about them. That sounds way easier than doing things for myself. I need to go buy some cake and get crackin on this latest of my genius schemes.