Complaining Blog

The rules for the elevator are: 1st, people get OFF the elevator. 2nd, people get ON the elevator. You can't just hop in there whenever you want and block the door for everyone who wants to exit!

It isn't like I live in primitive Africa where they have never used an elevator before! People should know how this works! I swear it is like they think they won't be able to get on unless they barge right through the hole as soon as the doors open.

Next time I'm going to fart in there. Then we'll see how they feel about their over-eager elevator entering.

I would like to announce that everyone sucks. Everyone who says bad things about where I live, that is. Seriously, we went to UT (again) recently and it seems like every person who knows we live in CA needs to say every rude thing ever about it. "California is so (fart noise)! There is just so much (fart noise)! There are so many (fart noise)! It is so (fart noise)! The (fart noise) is so (fart noise)!". I've substituted fart noise for all the asinine things people say.

The variety of insults is astounding, especially considering that none of these people have been to California more that twice and while here have never been more than 30 yards from Disneyland. (Understandably. That's a hard trip to make riding a cow, which is the preferred method of transportation for the adults in this story. Their kids ride sheep. I wish I was joking that the kids ride sheep, but I'm not).

Here is all I have to say in response to that kind of jack-assery. I live in a really nice place. It is clean and safe and pretty and has a lot of fun things to do nearby. I really like it a lot. Plus, it is warm all year and one time I saw Posh Spice on the freeway.

Let's do a review of where the insulter lives, shall we? Seventeen 99 cent stores, no sidewalks in 40% of the town, people literally ride sheep for entertainment, the only ethnic diversity is the one adopted black kid (unless you count the polygamists as a diverse group), huge drug problem, all Title 1 schools, the air is filthy- possibly from all the fires to combat the frigid temperatures, and it is butt ugly. Sure, there's no traffic in their town- there is nowhere to go and no one to go there! The exception to that no-traffic rule is on rodeo day. Rodeo day is insane.

Also, soooooo many comment about how expensive it is! If it were really so terrible would like, 15 million people choose to live here? Probably not. It is true that I could afford a nicer house somewhere else. But guess what? I don't want to. I prefer my tiny condo house here to a mansion in ________. You can fill in that  blank with the names of all the towns I don't live in.

Last thing- Someone said to me "Would you really want to raise kids there?" First of all, I don't have kids and won't for quite a while so how is that even a relevant question?  But more importantly, Yes! It is a wonderful place to raise kids! Unless you are terrified that they might befriend the colored folk, go to awesome places (Disneyland!, etc.), or enjoy the majesty of the sea.

In conclusion, everyone's town sucks a little bit, including mine (only I don't care cuz I love it despite its flaws, which is how you do in a committed relationship). There are good things and bad things about everywhere only apparently no one considers it poor manners to mention the bad stuff any time they feel like it. Now that it's ok to insult places that other people love... Sanpete County, UT: You smell like turkey sh*$ and gave me a substandard education.You are boring. I hope I never see you again. That's right, not even for Pageant.(Sorry you still have to go there Emily.) That is all.

What happened to kids knowing how to tie their own shoes? Did that go out of style or something?

Since I live in the middle of an Arctic Tundra I decided it was necessary for me to have a puff coat- as much as I loathe the idea. Seriously, who wants to look like a marshmallow when they go out? The alternative, however, was to absolutely never leave the house from September to May. Which I tried, unfortunately, we have to eat and kids have to go to school. Ug. After much soul searching and internet scouring I find a tolerable coat- not too poofy, not too expensive ($100ish), and it was in a lovely deep brownish-red. The website described the color as Beet-Root. Doesn't it fill your mind with images of things in nice, deep, earthy-tones? That's how it looked in the picture. So I ordered it and eagerly awaited my new lovely colored puff coat. Imagine my horror and disgust when I opened my package and got out a coat that only could be described as Berry Fuchsia. A marshmallow coat in Magenta. I was so mad! Now I have to load my kids up to take them to the mall- in the winter, with no coat on (I'm not wearing that monstrosity!). And taking my kids to the mall is seriously like trying to herd cats. I love them dearly- however, they aren't good mall-goers (my children. I don't know if cats are good mall-goers or not, having never taken them). What I'm so mad about, though is, why couldn't they have had the real color of the coat online? I know monitors affect how colors show up but I know my computers' colors aren't that messed up. I really feel like I've been duped into having a Berry Fuchsia puffy coat. And I'm very upset about it.

Kids are bad. Maybe not yours, but most. They are this way by nature, and need no help in becoming more unruly or buttheady. So when I see little kids dressed in shirts that confirm and accentuate their buttheadyness it pisses me right off. Why would someone dress their kid in a shirt that says "School Sucks!" or "I'm Spoiled" or whatever other stupid, mean thing? I don't get it. Don't you want people to think your kid is nice? Don't you want your kid to be respectful? So why the crude shirts? I hate them- both the shirts and the parents who put their children in them. And nose-pickers. Gotta hate nose-pickers.

When people's side hair parts are like waaaaaaaaaayyyy to the side- FUGLY. Parts are supposed to be at the side of the top of the head, not the side of the side of the head, like in the pre-ear zone. That looks so dumb every time.

I'm a church going woman. I attend weekly, which is more church going than a lot of other people I know. But I'm not like, rabid for it. I don't do every activity and every single phone tree whatever and go to every church ladies function ever invented. And you know what? Now I'm a church loser because I don't do enough church stuff! I have been so blatantly snubbed by these churchy biotches just because I don't count the minutes until I can attend the next church ladies ordeal!

I go to Sunday ladies meeting and sit all alone every single week even though every woman in there knows me (it's not like I haven't been attending for over a year!) because I had the audacity to not attend the craft making meeting on Thursday or the Book Club on Tuesday or the Park Day on Wednesday OR the Mommy and Me on Friday AND to top it all off I didn't even go to Mid-Morning Workout on Monday, Wednesday and Friday! How dare I?! Now I have to snubbed about it.

I'm nice! Wouldn't you think that since I am not there at every single other thing there would be at least one person who would talk to me on Sunday since she hadn't seen me all week? Nope. I even try to nudge into other people's conversations politely, and they literally turn their backs on me. I don't mean figuratively, I mean actually turn around and box me out so they don't have to talk to me. Who does that? Churchy Biotches, apparently.

Also I would like to point out two other things. One- I have a friend who used to go to this church and then moved and she said the same thing, so she started going to all the extracurricular crap and suddenly had a million friends! So, verified by a second party. That makes it true for sure. Two- I have a job. That's why I can't go to every single thing. Plus I don't want to. Also, like half of the stuff is for people who have kids and I don't have any of those so naturally I can't go to those activities! Duh!

My current plan is to just stop going to that part of church. There are never treats anyway.

Target has the worstiest website! For a company that focuses so much on being "cool" and "hip" you would think they would have a better website. The layout is horrible. The organization is nonsensical. And it is soooo slow!!! I feel like whenever I click on something I want to look at the message is relayed via Morse code to a trailer in Wisconsin where a bevy of blue haired old ladies work. They translate the message ("oh my, this person wants to view those fine Mossimo pumps") and tell Merna whose in charge of Images to find that nice picture of the Mossimo pumps. Merna looks through her file folders until she finds "Mossimo Pumps" then she shuffles over to Blanche who is in charge of Relaying Messages and she enters in the code into her Morse code machine, all the while telling the other blue hairs about Gladys' Chicken Gelatin Divine recipe, and the picture is then loaded up so I can view it on my computer. Then I say "Those shoes are hideous. Maybe I'll look at a Liz Lange top." Then the whole process starts over again.

Um... I moved to California because it was supposed to be warm here. So, WHAT THE HELL?! Is anyone aware that it snowed here last week? I am about to punch this stupid state in the face.

My skin, stomach, and butt: Don't eat anymore Halloween candy! It will only bring you grief!

My mouth: But it's so tasty!

Yesterday during the dog's walk his face got bonked. Now his eye is all swollen and awful! He keeps looking at me with his sad, winky little eye and breaking my heart. Now I will have to break the street lamp pole he ran into.

I need a hair cut and I don't have a hair-do girl.

The kitchen isn't clean. Who keeps getting it dirty in there?

Sometimes I put on documentaries and such while I do house work. I got a documentary on Alexander the Great and it was the cheesiest lamest thing ever! They made the historians they interviewed dress up and act in the reenactments. Plus I think the "chariots" in the action parts were made of a cardboard box and silver lamé fabric. I know it is just my housework movie, but I still care if it is ridiculous!

I look like a sea cow.

Re-modeling is hard work and takes a long time. Also it can be expensive.

I don't have anything to wear with my dress for the party tomorrow.

Those are all the things I have to complain about right now.

The bad news is that it was so cold for me here today. Like freezing, with wind and chilly and cold legs. I shivered. I got goosebumps. I turned the heat up in my car and just sat there to try to warm up. It was unsuccesful. Lame!

The good news is that I have aclimated to my new climate so fully that I was freezing in the 60 degree weather that happened today.