Complaining Blog

There are many things that contribute to Christmas being my least favorite time of year. MANY things. But one of the big ones, especially now that I'm all married up, is familial holiday obligations.

I hate the fact that in order to talk to my sister who I have only spoken to twice in the past year I am going to have to piss off my in-laws. That isn't fair. I hate the fact that if I choose to not talk to my sister to appease the in-laws then my parents will be hurt and my sister will be hurt and I will also have to be at the in-laws house where they wake everyone up at 6 AM on Christmas morning with a 3,000 decibel version of the most heinous holiday song they can find. I hate that no matter what we choose to do someone is going to feel like we are choosing some one else over them and be mad. I hate alllllll this stuff.

Does no one realize that one of the big draws of moving kind of far was that I wouldn't have to deal with this stuff anymore? And now because I have moved far away everyone gets their panties more in a twist that we aren't equitable in who we spend our holiday time with.

I know that everyone on earth is self-centered sometimes, myself especially, but it seems like this time of year really brings that tendency out in people. It's like the fam thinks that we are deliberately choosing to ruin their holiday by spending more time with one family than the other, which, I would like to point out, could not be further from the truth. We are bending over backwards to try to accommodate everyone else's plans, they just can't see it because they are not getting exactly what they want. Ugh.

Next year I'm only visiting myself, in the insane asylum, because after this Christmas I'm sure I'll be crazy enough to be committed for life.

You know what sucks? Doing hard stuff. It way sucks.

Here are some things that "other people" do for fun. I will never do these things unless under extreme duress or unless I start to like things that suck. Feel free to add your thoughts. And don't be mad if there is something on here that you personally enjoy doing. It just means that you like things that suck , is all.
1. Volleyball. This hurts my arms. Plus those booty shorts aren't the most flattering things on my figure.
2. Sand Volleyball. As if regular volleyball couldn't get any worse. Now we have to add dirt. Gross.
3. Going for "a drive". What is the point of this? I imagine I would like this better if I didn't always get so carsick.
4. Camping. There is a reason our ancestors moved out of caves and built houses. Because living outside is not pleasant.
5. Running. I like being healthy(ish). There are better ways to do it. I would sooner set myself on fire then run for recreation.
6. Scary movies. This is my all time most unfavorite thing in the world. I HATE scary movies. They are so evil. I don't even like it when scary commercials come on TV when I am watching a show. I still have bad nightmares from watching Arachnophobia from when I was, like 10. Also from the scene in Little Mermaid when Ursula gets run into by the boat. That was scary stuff!

The following post comes from Mrs. Emily Ryan (formerly Day, click here for her blog), who is witty and funny and delightful. That's why I would accept a submission from her, but if you aren't funny don't even try to get me to post your complaints. I mostly only like when people say funny things and since most of you are totally boring and lame you have no hope of ever getting your pathetic complaints posted on this high-quality literary forum. Any of my thoughts are in italics after her bits. Thanks to Emily for her complaints. Here it goes.

1. You may have listed this before but I LOATHE when people WrItE LiKe ThIs. It's not cute, it's not amusing, it's freaking stupid. Seriously. Stupid. I'm going to go ahead and assume the majority of the population went to school and completed the state-mandated 12 grade levels. Somewhere along the line, you should have learned about pesky details such as punctuation and capitalization. At least I'm hoping so. It's really, really NOT cute. I believe I did write about this a while ago. The passing of time has only served to strengthen my feelings of disgust towards the use of improper spelling. I can understand an honest mistake- language is complicated and it can be hard to get it right every time, especially if you are studid. But at least try instead of attempting to pass off your ignorance as cutesy crap.

2. I know you've used this before, but it may need to be said again. No one wants to listen to your crappy music when they read your blog. If you have music on your blog, I'm not going to read it. It's a personal policy I've adopted. I don't want to hear the crap you listen to. Furthermore, if you music is crappy enough, I'm going to assume I shouldn't be your friend anyway because I prefer people with decent taste.

3. People who blog about nothing but their children. Seriously, I adore my children. However, I'm aware that not everyone else is as enamored with them as I am. Sure a post every now and then with photos of a birthday party, holiday celebration, a trip to the zoo or kindergarten graduation is perfectly acceptable. But if all I see every time I get on your blog is pictures from your semi-weekly trip to the park, then suffice it to say I've seen it before and I'm bored. Blog about something else. Tell the public something funny your kids did or said. Or really step out of the box and tell us something interesting about yourself. I mean, if you have nothing interesting to say about yourself, then I can't read your blog. Reading about nothing but everyone's kids is particularly boring for those of us who don't have children.

4. People who don't hang out with anyone but their siblings. I'm freaking sick and tired of people who's blogs and facebook status' (or is it stati?) only say "met my sissies for dinner" or "went shopping with my sisters today". If you haven't hung out with anyone but your sisters for the past year, guess what? No one likes you! Your personality sucks and chances are you AND your sisters are self-absorbed idiots who need to have a fat slice of humble pie and attempt to branch out a little. (I have a couple of people specifically in mind but I'll keep identities to myself) Uh Oh. I think this one is about me! But I still pretty much agree with it- it is pretty lame to not at least attempt to branch out, plus I will kill anyone who uses the words 'sissies' in real life.

5. People who find sick satisfaction in gossiping about anyone and anything. Pretty much if you're gossiping about people you don't even know that well, then you suck as a person. Furthermore, it's always the mudslingers who are the first to be butt-hurt when something is said about them. Whatever happened to "if you dish it out you better be able to take it". (again, someone in particular in mind)

6. People who blog about coupons. Seriously, I don't give a crap how much money you saved at Albertson's last week. And I absolutely do not need photographic evidence of the great deals. What do you want me to do? Send you a blue ribbon? I don't care about your finances or your coupons. I'd much rather read something interesting. Try something funny, if you're capable or humor. Scratch that, if you're blogging about coupons, humor is probably not your strong suit.

7. People who think Mormons are freaks. All of my co-workers are non-members. And they all used to think Mormons were some kind of sub-species of alien or something. Not actually alien, but until they met me, they thought Mormons were weird. I'll admit, some are. And those give the rest of us a bad reputation. So if you think Mormons are freaks, we're not. And if you're a Mormon who IS a freak, knock it off because you're ruining it for the rest of us. This goes for you Ms. Karen!!

I loathe when businesses change letters in words to make the name of the business "cuter". Like Beach Bumz. Why not just use an 's' like regular? Also I hate when people do that with names like instead of Wendy they have to turn it into Whyndi. Lame!

I wish that everyone would shut their yappers about us moving to California. You know, it's not like Utah is the only good place to live. There are other places that are nice, and despite the fact that they are not in Utah they are not imbibed with the spirit of the devil. There are nice places all over, and nice people all over, not just in "The Holy State".

I would like to take a moment to point out how many people there are that do not live in Utah, and how many of those people are not Satan's minions, swingers, drug dealers, or worst of all LIBERALS (heaven forbid). Furthermore, those people could move to Utah at only moment, and the seemingly impenetrable force of righteousness would be broken forever, threatening all the good folks here with temptations such as diversity, and different opinions. I can't imagine the terror that would cause.

I am excited to move! I am excited to meet new people and do new things! Especially now that Emily has gone an entire summer living in Detriotte without getting mugged or someone forcing her to look at porn. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm pretty sure it's been nice for them. So all those people (this means you residents of Nephi!) who have a beef with people moving out of Utah can suck it.

There are some terms of endearment that make me absolutely disgusted. I probably shouldn't hate them so bad because I know people are just expressing their feelings or some crap, but oh my gosh, could they use a less revolting term? Please? I'm ok with like pookie bear, or snuggle jugs or sweet heart dream boat cake or anything like that. But today I saw on some one's blog a picture of them that they had titled "Me and my lover". Ugh! Gross!!! The readers of this blog do not need to know that information. They have kids so it's pretty obvious, but I don't want them to draw my attention to the fact that they are like that. 'My lover', and 'making love' are the most disgusting possible things in the world. It reminds me of that SNL skit with Will Ferrill and that funny girl at the Welshly Arms and that is all I can think of when some one uses those terms.

As the recent recipient of my own brand-new, beautiful, precious baby girl I have been thrust into the world of bows, headbands, and all manner of baby accessories. While I do find it a necessity to adorn your baby girl in as feminine attire as possible (so as to avoid the dreaded "What an adorable little boy!") I think that there is a point when you have passed the point of making your little girl look cute and you are just making her look ridiculous. For example, if your baby cannot hold her head up because of the gigantor flower you attached to her crotched headband, you might want to consider if you are over-accsesorizing. The only time this is okay is if your baby is born with a serious case of man-face and you want to draw attention away from that. But, the baby in this picture (not my baby) looks totally cute. Why would her mother do this to her? And then try to make a business out of it by selling it on the internet? Bows this big make me think we might be seeing this little baby in 'Toddlers and Tiaras' in a couple of years. To all the mothers out there: proper accsesorizing begins at a young age. I love the headband-flower thing. In moderation. Let people look at your adorable baby girl, not her obnoxious headband.

Have you heard about this story? In situations like these I like to imagine what would happen if the races of the parties involved were switched. And you know what would have happened if that had been the case? Nothing. Not a damn thing, because white people aren't allowed to be paranoid about people mocking or judging their race, despite the fact that it is the only acceptable race to mock.

Other races are allowed to mock white people in every conceivable setting and it isn't considered inappropriate or racist. But blacks and Hispanics are allowed to pull out the race card because the pool they wanted to swim at figured out that it didn't have enough room to accommodate them safely*. And then they get to have a free trip to Disney World because they made a big deal out of it.

We have a black president who was raised in poverty by a single mother. Shouldn't this be some sort of evidence to people that race can no longer hold them back and therefore they don't need to be racist themselves? Apparently not. I think that secretly some people don't want racism to become a non-issue because they are enjoying the benefits of it too much.

Additional Thoughts: Now there is this story. Seriously? How is it ok for him to make such a huge deal about his neighbor just trying to keep their neighborhood safe? If you saw someone breaking into your house wouldn't you want them to call the police? He wouldn't show identification to the officer who came, and then was arrested for disorderly conduct. That happened like last summer to an old lady in Orem. This isn't a race thing- it's a case of him being so belligerent that he deserved to be arrested, but he pulled the race card and now the police are getting called 'stupid' by the president. I hope someone does break into that guys house and I also hope he kisses my butt for being such a jerk.

*Also apparently some kids made fun of them while they were there. I've got news- kids make fun of each other. One time I took Ben and Jonah to the park across the street from my house and they were playing with some Hispanic kids and when they got outnumbered by quite a few Ben started to yell "I'm surrounded by Spanish!" and then Jonah started to chime in too. So now are Ben and Jonah racist? Should they have to make some kind of big show about how horrible it was to say that and that they are so sorry and then those other kids get to go to free 7 Peaks because of it? Or perhaps were they just little kids playing?

Dear Everyone Who Is Still Boobing About Michael Jackson's Death,

I know that you are really sad (both emotionally and pathetic-ness-wise)about the passing of Michael J. I know that you think you had some sort of personal relationship with him because you liked his music. I know that you are checking the news to see what kind of tragic overdose or whatever he died from, and consequently you believe that you really care about his life.

I have news. You didn't actually know this person and he certainly didn't know you and if he had known you he wouldn't have been impressed with your childish fawning over his fame. Furthermore, being obsessed with the way in which he died is morbid and freaky and degrading to you both.

Stop discussing it on your blogs, your facebook, your online forums, and stop watching it on the news. When someone dies you are allowed to feel upset, but your level of grief must somewhat match your level of intimacy with that person. Having seen a video of that person on MTV when you were 6 is not adequate cause for wailing and gnashing of teeth at their passing.

If you really care about Michael Jackson or anyone else dying the best way to mourn them is in a dignified way. Not by posting about a stranger on your blog or reading all the gory details of their death online. Stop being a bunch of freaking weirdos! The rest of the world who is not obsessing over strangers would really appreciate it. You are grossing us out.

Kind Regards,

Melodie Anne

P.S. I beg all members of the media to desist their rumor-mongering about Michael Jackson and start reporting actual news. News, did you know they can grow sperm out of stem cells now? Probably not, because you were too busy focusing on a pedophiliac dead pop singer.

Why does everyone want to have private blogs? What exactly are they trying to keep private? The pictures of their kid with food on its face? Them in a bathing suit? Their trip to Lava Hot Springs? If it is so "private" don't blog about it!

Whatever. I'm just mad because it makes my blog-stalking more difficult.