Complaining Blog

Remember back when the office was totally funny? Those were the good old days. Now it sucks. It fully and completely sucks. I didn't make it more than 3 minutes in to the most recent episode but I believe it was a CLIP SHOW. Seriously? That should not even be legal.

First of all Pam and Jim should never have gotten together. It ruined everything. The sexual tension between then made the show exciting. Secondably if the only things they can come up with are clip shows flaunting the former humor of the show and Michael getting himself into painfully awkward situation that always just end up sad (Scotts Tots not getting their scholarships? Sad.) then I am finished. I am no longer a fan of the office and I hope it gets cancelled and they make double 30 Rock to compensate.

Some of the crap people are naming their kids these days seriously makes me want to throw up. I saw someone who had named their little boy JUMPER. As a name! How do they expect him to be a respectable adult with a name like that?! I can actually imagine (though I disagree) that they thought it would be cute for their little baby boy. Apparently that is all they ever expect him to be because you can not be a grown up with a name like Jumper. That is disgusting.

Also I hate Mc_____ (fill in the blank with anything). McTaisly, Mcinsly, McAinsley, McBrinley, Mcailla, Mclinley. Those names are vomiticious.

Furthermore, I loath creative name spelling. It is a display of parental ignorance that lasts, quite literally, the child's entire life. It's not cool to spell words incorrectly- names are no exception.

Now I have no beef with people naming their kids unique names as long as they are actual names and not strings of randomly chosen letters, words they like with a letter changed, weird combinations of several names or words, or just plain other words that are not names- just words. I understand that people with kids might not want their kid to be the 6th Jack in his elementary school class but that is no excuse to name him Jumper, or Brax (part Brother part Ajax??), or Brigdon, or Baden, or Torpel or whatever else weird stupid name.

Finally, girls should be named girl names. No more girls named Jordan, Riley, Ryan, etc. Girls have enough names to choose from without poaching from the more limited boys selection.

Sorry if you named your kid something weird and are now suffering the consequences of my wrath and disapproval and are consequently offended. Kind of serves you right for choosing poorly.

How lame is scrapbooking/cardmaking/stamping? Do I even really need to write about this? I know lots of ladies are really into this kind of stuff. Probably because they hate themselves and need some form of torture to punish themselves with. But they are too old for cutting and need something that will take insane amounts of time to fill the useless void that is their life. Also something that will cost a bazillion dollars. I have recently found myself obligated to make cards for people and I tell you what- it sucks. There is seriously no point! I could go down to Target and buy a pack of cards that would look ten times cuter, cost less, and be just as appreciated by the recipient. So why is my kitchen covered in scraps of paper, glue sticks, and "embellishments"? And I cannot stand looking at those scrapbook pages that have one teensy-tiny little picture on it and a million decorations and nick-nacks and creative wording like "fUn tiMeS!" If they really were "fun times" don't you think people would be able to tell that from looking at the picture? Probably not since the only picture has been covered up by some decorative paper. Maybe someday I'll figure this stuff out. Until then I will continue to resent everyone who participates in these kind of shenanigans.

A twelve hour drive (record time, by the way) and 50 degrees later I have arrived in Wyoming. WYOMING. I can't even get enough reception here to check my voicemail from my cell phone. This place is ridiculous. It was around 75 degrees when we left home. Now- around 25. It is painful to go outside! I can not make any sense of and never have been able to figure out why people settled in places like this in the first place. What the hell were the settlers of Wyoming thinking?! They must have been on some kind of crazy pioneer crack. That's the only explanation.

Dear Everyone,

What I want for Christmas is for you all to back off and let me spend the stupid holiday in the manner I find most pleasant. I would like for you to all stop being offended by the choices we (me and JP) make regarding our holiday visit and remember that the only reason we are desending from our warm, lovely haven into your frigid, crap-tacular locale is because we love you and want to see you. Really you should be grateful that we would go to all the trouble of making such an arduous journey instead of being mad that we won't be attending your yearly snow-angel making competition.

I put a great deal of effort into making this time of year as not horrible as possible and when you all are being retards it makes it much more difficult. I would appreciate some effort on your part towards the whole "not horrible" goal. Please stop making sneaky remarks or giving the silent treatment when we talk about our plans to visit you because you don't think we are doing it right. It's Christmas, damn it! Just be jolly- its not that hard!

Also for Christmas I would like a Pogo Stick and jeans that don't make my legs look like chicken drumsticks.

Love,
Melodie

There are many things that contribute to Christmas being my least favorite time of year. MANY things. But one of the big ones, especially now that I'm all married up, is familial holiday obligations.

I hate the fact that in order to talk to my sister who I have only spoken to twice in the past year I am going to have to piss off my in-laws. That isn't fair. I hate the fact that if I choose to not talk to my sister to appease the in-laws then my parents will be hurt and my sister will be hurt and I will also have to be at the in-laws house where they wake everyone up at 6 AM on Christmas morning with a 3,000 decibel version of the most heinous holiday song they can find. I hate that no matter what we choose to do someone is going to feel like we are choosing some one else over them and be mad. I hate alllllll this stuff.

Does no one realize that one of the big draws of moving kind of far was that I wouldn't have to deal with this stuff anymore? And now because I have moved far away everyone gets their panties more in a twist that we aren't equitable in who we spend our holiday time with.

I know that everyone on earth is self-centered sometimes, myself especially, but it seems like this time of year really brings that tendency out in people. It's like the fam thinks that we are deliberately choosing to ruin their holiday by spending more time with one family than the other, which, I would like to point out, could not be further from the truth. We are bending over backwards to try to accommodate everyone else's plans, they just can't see it because they are not getting exactly what they want. Ugh.

Next year I'm only visiting myself, in the insane asylum, because after this Christmas I'm sure I'll be crazy enough to be committed for life.

You know what sucks? Doing hard stuff. It way sucks.

Here are some things that "other people" do for fun. I will never do these things unless under extreme duress or unless I start to like things that suck. Feel free to add your thoughts. And don't be mad if there is something on here that you personally enjoy doing. It just means that you like things that suck , is all.
1. Volleyball. This hurts my arms. Plus those booty shorts aren't the most flattering things on my figure.
2. Sand Volleyball. As if regular volleyball couldn't get any worse. Now we have to add dirt. Gross.
3. Going for "a drive". What is the point of this? I imagine I would like this better if I didn't always get so carsick.
4. Camping. There is a reason our ancestors moved out of caves and built houses. Because living outside is not pleasant.
5. Running. I like being healthy(ish). There are better ways to do it. I would sooner set myself on fire then run for recreation.
6. Scary movies. This is my all time most unfavorite thing in the world. I HATE scary movies. They are so evil. I don't even like it when scary commercials come on TV when I am watching a show. I still have bad nightmares from watching Arachnophobia from when I was, like 10. Also from the scene in Little Mermaid when Ursula gets run into by the boat. That was scary stuff!

The following post comes from Mrs. Emily Ryan (formerly Day, click here for her blog), who is witty and funny and delightful. That's why I would accept a submission from her, but if you aren't funny don't even try to get me to post your complaints. I mostly only like when people say funny things and since most of you are totally boring and lame you have no hope of ever getting your pathetic complaints posted on this high-quality literary forum. Any of my thoughts are in italics after her bits. Thanks to Emily for her complaints. Here it goes.

1. You may have listed this before but I LOATHE when people WrItE LiKe ThIs. It's not cute, it's not amusing, it's freaking stupid. Seriously. Stupid. I'm going to go ahead and assume the majority of the population went to school and completed the state-mandated 12 grade levels. Somewhere along the line, you should have learned about pesky details such as punctuation and capitalization. At least I'm hoping so. It's really, really NOT cute. I believe I did write about this a while ago. The passing of time has only served to strengthen my feelings of disgust towards the use of improper spelling. I can understand an honest mistake- language is complicated and it can be hard to get it right every time, especially if you are studid. But at least try instead of attempting to pass off your ignorance as cutesy crap.

2. I know you've used this before, but it may need to be said again. No one wants to listen to your crappy music when they read your blog. If you have music on your blog, I'm not going to read it. It's a personal policy I've adopted. I don't want to hear the crap you listen to. Furthermore, if you music is crappy enough, I'm going to assume I shouldn't be your friend anyway because I prefer people with decent taste.

3. People who blog about nothing but their children. Seriously, I adore my children. However, I'm aware that not everyone else is as enamored with them as I am. Sure a post every now and then with photos of a birthday party, holiday celebration, a trip to the zoo or kindergarten graduation is perfectly acceptable. But if all I see every time I get on your blog is pictures from your semi-weekly trip to the park, then suffice it to say I've seen it before and I'm bored. Blog about something else. Tell the public something funny your kids did or said. Or really step out of the box and tell us something interesting about yourself. I mean, if you have nothing interesting to say about yourself, then I can't read your blog. Reading about nothing but everyone's kids is particularly boring for those of us who don't have children.

4. People who don't hang out with anyone but their siblings. I'm freaking sick and tired of people who's blogs and facebook status' (or is it stati?) only say "met my sissies for dinner" or "went shopping with my sisters today". If you haven't hung out with anyone but your sisters for the past year, guess what? No one likes you! Your personality sucks and chances are you AND your sisters are self-absorbed idiots who need to have a fat slice of humble pie and attempt to branch out a little. (I have a couple of people specifically in mind but I'll keep identities to myself) Uh Oh. I think this one is about me! But I still pretty much agree with it- it is pretty lame to not at least attempt to branch out, plus I will kill anyone who uses the words 'sissies' in real life.

5. People who find sick satisfaction in gossiping about anyone and anything. Pretty much if you're gossiping about people you don't even know that well, then you suck as a person. Furthermore, it's always the mudslingers who are the first to be butt-hurt when something is said about them. Whatever happened to "if you dish it out you better be able to take it". (again, someone in particular in mind)

6. People who blog about coupons. Seriously, I don't give a crap how much money you saved at Albertson's last week. And I absolutely do not need photographic evidence of the great deals. What do you want me to do? Send you a blue ribbon? I don't care about your finances or your coupons. I'd much rather read something interesting. Try something funny, if you're capable or humor. Scratch that, if you're blogging about coupons, humor is probably not your strong suit.

7. People who think Mormons are freaks. All of my co-workers are non-members. And they all used to think Mormons were some kind of sub-species of alien or something. Not actually alien, but until they met me, they thought Mormons were weird. I'll admit, some are. And those give the rest of us a bad reputation. So if you think Mormons are freaks, we're not. And if you're a Mormon who IS a freak, knock it off because you're ruining it for the rest of us. This goes for you Ms. Karen!!

I loathe when businesses change letters in words to make the name of the business "cuter". Like Beach Bumz. Why not just use an 's' like regular? Also I hate when people do that with names like instead of Wendy they have to turn it into Whyndi. Lame!

I wish that everyone would shut their yappers about us moving to California. You know, it's not like Utah is the only good place to live. There are other places that are nice, and despite the fact that they are not in Utah they are not imbibed with the spirit of the devil. There are nice places all over, and nice people all over, not just in "The Holy State".

I would like to take a moment to point out how many people there are that do not live in Utah, and how many of those people are not Satan's minions, swingers, drug dealers, or worst of all LIBERALS (heaven forbid). Furthermore, those people could move to Utah at only moment, and the seemingly impenetrable force of righteousness would be broken forever, threatening all the good folks here with temptations such as diversity, and different opinions. I can't imagine the terror that would cause.

I am excited to move! I am excited to meet new people and do new things! Especially now that Emily has gone an entire summer living in Detriotte without getting mugged or someone forcing her to look at porn. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm pretty sure it's been nice for them. So all those people (this means you residents of Nephi!) who have a beef with people moving out of Utah can suck it.