Complaining Blog

Dear Mexi-man in the swimming and hot-tub area of 24 Hour Fitness,

Grey boxer briefs do not count as a swimsuit. Not at all.

Sincerely Grossed Out,

Melodie

P.s. Are you by any chance employed as a leaf-blower? If so, my angry fists have a message for you.

Preliminary side note: When Justin was little he always said that when he grew up he wanted to be a doctor's office or a pair of pajamas. Weird.

I need to go to the doctor. I need some prescriptions renewed and have for some time and I keep putting it off. Because here's what it's like going to the doctor:

Step 1: Call for an appointment. Girl answers the phone. "It looks like we have an opening in October of next year in the middle of the work day- would you like that appointment?" Me: "Do you have anything earlier in the day?" Her: "Our next opening is in January of 2 years post-apocalypse. You'll need to bring your own anti-radioactivity and zombie protective gear. It's at 9am".  Me: "I'll take it!"

Step 2: Wait x years. Put on my foam suit (I got the pattern from Judy) and go to the office. Go extra early to ensure adequate time to navigate the maze and find "Suite 8009.7b". Find office, check in, fill out 29 different papers saying that I will agree to arbitration should the doctor be incompetent, and 134 pages of medical history, all with that little pen with the giant gerber daisy taped to it.

Step 3: Man who smells of pee sits next to me and coughs up furballs, despite the 13 empty chairs in the room. Mexican lady's kids have licked all the magazine's so I can't find out what Cosmo thinks are the 10 hottest things to say to your pool-boy.  After four hours it's my turn to go back.

Step 4: I do not even need to mention the horrors of getting on the scale. Skip straight to when they take me into the doctor room, where I wait another 2 hours. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to sit on the table thats covered in paper, or if I'm allowed to just sit in the chair, or if I can sit on the doctor's spinny stool until he gets there. Luckily there is plenty of time for me to try all three, and sneak some cotton balls into my purse before the doctor gets there.

Step 5: I tell the doctor "These are the prescriptions I want. Please." He says "You probably have either bubonic plague or women's polio. I'm going to need to send you for some tests before I can fill those prescriptions."

Doctors Office, Part 2 coming soon, detailing the gremlin lady who draws my blood for her vampire overlord, and the cost thereof.

Dear Mexi-man,

Since you found it incumbent to weed-whack right outside my bedroom window at the first light of day this morning, I am going to be using that weed-whacker on your stupid face.

Sincerely,

Melodie

P.S. This sentiment also applies to leaf-blowing. I will seriously kill you.

Lets pretend for a moment that you were really committed to... I don't know- becoming an exclusively "tasteful nudes" family photagrapher. You can imagine whatever you want. Just something that is an untraditional and possibly a dumb choice. If you were totally commited to doing it and thought it was the best idea ever, would you care what anyone else said about it? OR, would you get totally defensive and upset when anyone mentioned "Huh, tasteful nude family photographer. That's an unsual choice."? Because if you really thought that it was a great idea, why would you care so much what other people thought?

In case you couldn't tell, I'm having a beef right now with people who make stupid/unusual choices, then get mad when other people remark upon their choice. If they think it such a great idea and have a 37 reasons to back up why it such a great idea, then why must they write an angry blog post about how stupid we all are for not agreeing with their choice? I JUST DON'T GET IT!

If one intentionally chooses the stupid choice, knowing that there are other options out there but they choose stupid anyway, they just need to be cool with the fact that they chose stupid and everyone knows it. There can be no "You are all stupid for not building your home business as a tasteful nudes family photographer" bloggy word vomits. If they need to get all defensive about their choice then maybe they aren't as comitted to it as they are blogging that they are, which makes them look stupid for doing their stupid thing in the first place.

It drives me crazy when you invite a kid to a birthday party and the mom drops the kid off, with all the siblings. Did the invite say "siblings included"? No. Then you have to scrounge around like crazy to arrange all the games and goodie bags to include more people- people that your kid, the one having the birthday party, is not friends with. Furthermore, the siblings are not the same age as all the other party goers so you either have one kid that is older than everybody else that is dominating all the games or you have one that is way younger than the other kids and you have to babysit them for the duration of the party. And it's not like the siblings add extra loot to the party, from what I've observed the parents who drop off extra kids usually just send a general "family gift", not a gift from each attendee. Also annoying- uninvited parents who hang around and expect to be fed and want to sit and chat while you are clearly trying to organize a relay race with 8 screaming kids (2 of them uninvited). I think the general birthday rule is if you are not invited than probably the party is not for you.

Men's jewelry.


Plus, why does everyone want you to pay 10% less than what they paid for something, even though their cat goes in/on it to throw up?
"Gently used denim sofa, just needs a light spot cleaning. Paid $1500 retail in 1998. Asking $1350."

In summation, don't try to make a sizable profit on your sh**y old stuff. Also post pictures so I can see what ugly things people are selling today.


What is this? Why would someone put this picture on the internet and think that another person will pay money for whatever is in this picture?



The following things are really frosting my cake these days:

1. Old people. How do they not understand that we normal age people can't always facilitate their oldiness? We have lives to live, after all.

2. Leggings as pants. Still.

3. Gas prices, obviously.

4. Honkers. You can't just honk at people at random. Honking should be for emergencies and saying hello only. If you are pissed off about how someone is driving just yell at them from the safe distance of inside your car like the rest of us do.

5. Inappropriate indoor temperatures. It should be 76*. That is it.

6. Over-facebooking. Um, we don't need to know that your baby finally had a bowel movement after 3 days of constipation! There are just some things you don't facebook!

7. People who don't like their kids. Don't they know that you get to choose whether or not, and when to have them? If you are just going to hate them and only ever talk about how miserable they make you, don't have any! It's real easy and you'll get a lot more sleep!

8. The resurgence of wide leg jeans. I look so gross in them. And all pants.

9. I can't seem to find a lady product that is between and liner and pad. Just a nice middle ground. Why does that not exist? Or does it and I just can't find it? (This is totally in the non-facebookable category. Blogs are different probably.)

10. Fast walkers. I hate when people are always zipping around all speedy, as though the things they have to do are soooo important that if they don't walk at top speed the world will cease to function. No one is thinking "Oh, look how speedy that person moves about! They must be very busy and important to need to walk so quickly! I can tell that they are an intelligent and productive member of the community because of the bustling style in which they are shopping for thier groceries!" Duh.

End

The rules for the elevator are: 1st, people get OFF the elevator. 2nd, people get ON the elevator. You can't just hop in there whenever you want and block the door for everyone who wants to exit!

It isn't like I live in primitive Africa where they have never used an elevator before! People should know how this works! I swear it is like they think they won't be able to get on unless they barge right through the hole as soon as the doors open.

Next time I'm going to fart in there. Then we'll see how they feel about their over-eager elevator entering.

I would like to announce that everyone sucks. Everyone who says bad things about where I live, that is. Seriously, we went to UT (again) recently and it seems like every person who knows we live in CA needs to say every rude thing ever about it. "California is so (fart noise)! There is just so much (fart noise)! There are so many (fart noise)! It is so (fart noise)! The (fart noise) is so (fart noise)!". I've substituted fart noise for all the asinine things people say.

The variety of insults is astounding, especially considering that none of these people have been to California more that twice and while here have never been more than 30 yards from Disneyland. (Understandably. That's a hard trip to make riding a cow, which is the preferred method of transportation for the adults in this story. Their kids ride sheep. I wish I was joking that the kids ride sheep, but I'm not).

Here is all I have to say in response to that kind of jack-assery. I live in a really nice place. It is clean and safe and pretty and has a lot of fun things to do nearby. I really like it a lot. Plus, it is warm all year and one time I saw Posh Spice on the freeway.

Let's do a review of where the insulter lives, shall we? Seventeen 99 cent stores, no sidewalks in 40% of the town, people literally ride sheep for entertainment, the only ethnic diversity is the one adopted black kid (unless you count the polygamists as a diverse group), huge drug problem, all Title 1 schools, the air is filthy- possibly from all the fires to combat the frigid temperatures, and it is butt ugly. Sure, there's no traffic in their town- there is nowhere to go and no one to go there! The exception to that no-traffic rule is on rodeo day. Rodeo day is insane.

Also, soooooo many comment about how expensive it is! If it were really so terrible would like, 15 million people choose to live here? Probably not. It is true that I could afford a nicer house somewhere else. But guess what? I don't want to. I prefer my tiny condo house here to a mansion in ________. You can fill in that  blank with the names of all the towns I don't live in.

Last thing- Someone said to me "Would you really want to raise kids there?" First of all, I don't have kids and won't for quite a while so how is that even a relevant question?  But more importantly, Yes! It is a wonderful place to raise kids! Unless you are terrified that they might befriend the colored folk, go to awesome places (Disneyland!, etc.), or enjoy the majesty of the sea.

In conclusion, everyone's town sucks a little bit, including mine (only I don't care cuz I love it despite its flaws, which is how you do in a committed relationship). There are good things and bad things about everywhere only apparently no one considers it poor manners to mention the bad stuff any time they feel like it. Now that it's ok to insult places that other people love... Sanpete County, UT: You smell like turkey sh*$ and gave me a substandard education.You are boring. I hope I never see you again. That's right, not even for Pageant.(Sorry you still have to go there Emily.) That is all.

What happened to kids knowing how to tie their own shoes? Did that go out of style or something?

Since I live in the middle of an Arctic Tundra I decided it was necessary for me to have a puff coat- as much as I loathe the idea. Seriously, who wants to look like a marshmallow when they go out? The alternative, however, was to absolutely never leave the house from September to May. Which I tried, unfortunately, we have to eat and kids have to go to school. Ug. After much soul searching and internet scouring I find a tolerable coat- not too poofy, not too expensive ($100ish), and it was in a lovely deep brownish-red. The website described the color as Beet-Root. Doesn't it fill your mind with images of things in nice, deep, earthy-tones? That's how it looked in the picture. So I ordered it and eagerly awaited my new lovely colored puff coat. Imagine my horror and disgust when I opened my package and got out a coat that only could be described as Berry Fuchsia. A marshmallow coat in Magenta. I was so mad! Now I have to load my kids up to take them to the mall- in the winter, with no coat on (I'm not wearing that monstrosity!). And taking my kids to the mall is seriously like trying to herd cats. I love them dearly- however, they aren't good mall-goers (my children. I don't know if cats are good mall-goers or not, having never taken them). What I'm so mad about, though is, why couldn't they have had the real color of the coat online? I know monitors affect how colors show up but I know my computers' colors aren't that messed up. I really feel like I've been duped into having a Berry Fuchsia puffy coat. And I'm very upset about it.