Complaining Blog

After a long time without looking on Complaining Blog I returned to view it's whiney splendor and I realized something. Emily and I are super funny. So you're welcome everyone. And should you wish for Complaining Blog to continue to flourish, please persist in your assinine behavior and we will persist in complaining about it in super funny ways. See below for examples.

A popular song was played during a break at a football game I attended today. A gentleman I know turned to another and said "Are noises set to a beat technically considered music now?" in a snarky sort of voice. Um... yes. I'm pretty sure that is the exact definition of music. 

If you do the harmony parts when singing group "Happy Birthday" then you are annoying. I don't care how pretty you think your voice is. You. Are. Annoying. Also, the song does not sound any better with your "Happy Birthday, Starring ME!!!" version than it does in the regular version. Just more annoying. No one needs you to spoil their birthday like that.

Since when did everyone's kids get so lazy? How come every kid is like "I don't do chores. That's for peasants."? Or sometimes they say "I didn't get enough sleep last night so I don't have to do anything today". When did this happen? Because last I remember you still have to do stuff even if you stay up too late watching Blue's Clues, or whatever they watch. Plus you have to clean up the crumbs that you spill all over when you throw your goldfish crackers at the other kids. How did these basics of humanity stop happening? Beats me.

Since when did chalk get so trendy? Everywhere I look there is some new way to incorporate chalk into your life. There is furniture painted with chalk paint, tutorials on how to make your own chalk paint, and no home with children in it is complete without one wall completely dedicated to a humongous chalkboard. Well, I've got news. I hate chalk. So much. I once taught a class that had a chalkboard in it and I would bring in a whiteboard from home so I wouldn't have to touch it. When that got too cumbersome I would just put on gloves whenever I needed to write on the chalkboard. I hate how gritty chalk feels. And the sound it makes when you write with it....so gross. So does that make me a bad mom because I don't have a wall sized chalkboard for my kids and because I won't write with sidewalk chalk with them? Probably.

Adult on adult lap sitting often ends up being just plain weird, and not romantic or fun like it seems.

Concerned reader, Adrienne, sent me the following message regarding the carts at IKEA: "I swear they have cameras in the break room and all the employees just sit there and watch us, laughing as we, innocent customers, walk around like retards trying to control those things."

And then she told me a story about getting stuck in a pothole in the IKEA parking lot, her cart being full of picture frames and children. All because she couldn't control her "special needs" cart. So then I had to laugh for a while. Then it got me to thinking. Adrienne makes an excellent point. Why on earth does IKEA have such wonky carts? My theories range from passive aggressive anger at the arrogant Americans from the Swedes; a hobo being on their Cart Design Team and that was his expert advice; or maybe just Europeans legitimately don't know how carts work. You know, cause they don't have things like Costco and Walmart over there. They go down to their fancy shops to get their bread and cheese and that's what they eat for the day. They aren't loading up on extra large boxes of fish crackers and  jumbo deluxe packages of toilet paper.

I was at IKEA just the other day and I seriously could not stop the cart from running into their display furniture. Just when you think you've found the sweet spot for pushing it veers out of control and runs into an EKTORP sofa or something. So, for all you Europeans out there, here is how a cart is supposed to work: all the wheels go in the same direction; when you push forward, the cart goes forward; when you wish to turn, the cart turns at the same push-to-turn-ratio of effort you are exerting instead of spinning wildly out of control. It is not a hard concept, although apparently one that is foreign to some people (specifically, the IKEA Cart Designers).

Also I love your meatballs. That is all.

I would just like everyone to refer back to THIS prior complaining blog post written by Emily as an explanation for why my hair currently looks that way it does. I can't go get it done. I don't have a good hair-do girl. Choices: Have scraggle ends and 4 inches of re-growth or have Nancy Hicks Gribble hair. It appears I've made my choice. I'll call this hairstyle "homeless-lady chic".

Voila: a French term. Translated literally it means "see there" or "look there". Often it is used in English to suggest an appearance as if by magic.

It is not wa-la, walaa, wa law, or any other retarded person variation of the actual word "voila". What kind of friggin moron do you have to be to seriously think that wa-la is the correct way to write that word? Or any word?

It's true, sometimes the transgressor is ourselves. I feel like I have had a profusion of embarrassing experiences lately. Nothing huge, just those situations that afterwards you do a mental 'DOH!' Sometimes I'll say something that, immediately after I say it, I'll wish I could retract whatever awkward thing it was I said. Or I'll do something with the best of intentions and it totally turns out horrible. Usually these experiences are a little more spread out but there seems to be quite a concentration of them lately. I may need to be a hermit for a little while so that everyone can forget my social mishaps.

I suppose it's rather educationally elitist of me, but I pretty much hate when people run preschools out of their house.

Um, what training or background do these people have that qualifies them to run a preschool? What resources do they have at their house that makes it an appropriate place to hold a preschool? And most importantly, do they really think that the children attending the preschool they run out of thier basement that consists of other kids playing with their own kids toys and sometimes coloring a paper with a letter on it is going to be the best education those children can recieve? Ugh! People are idiots!!!

This is the thought process I imagine is behind this phenomenon: "Hey, I've have a 4 year old. Isn't there some way I can make money off of that?"

Just because you squashed a couple kids out of your vag doesn't mean you are qualified to run a school. I guess some parents are ok with paying for their kids to play with another kids toys. Whatever. I just happen to think that children can actually learn stuff at that age, rather than making fugly hand turkeys in someone's basement at $200 a month.

Is it so wrong of me that I prefer not to socialize with proponents of doing the "Mormon Pioneer Trek"? Because I think anyone who thinks that is a good/fun/spiritual idea must be a friggin idiot. It's ok if I just ignore those weirdos, right?