Complaining Blog

Today I encountered two braggart moms withing 5 minutes of each other and I am so bugged about it. I know anyone reading this will laugh because I brag about my kids more then anybody. But I don't do it to strangers that I don't even know at the library (or elsewhere). And I usually try and make it something worth bragging about. I'm not going to try and impress the other kindergarten moms by telling them my kid already knows his numbers to 10 (actually happened!). And how am I supposed to respond when braggy mom tells me that her kid can already read "some sight words !" ? Applaud? Gasp, mouth agog, with hands on my face?? Do you expect me to organize a parade in their honor? "Five Year Old Reads Go Dog Go!"
Here's the deal: it's great you are proud of your kid. You should be proud of your kids. But, that doesn't mean I have to be proud of your kids. I don't know if you are trying to get a pat on the back or something for being such a super awesome mom but, let your kids performance be the indicator of their brilliance. And really, you don't need to approach random strangers to broadcast your child's superiority. If they really are superior, they will prove it on their own.

Welcome oh ye Hearers of Complaints!  I have been invited on as an anonymous guest-poster to complaining blog.  I hope I can live up to the humorous whining that has taken place so far on the forum for fomenting fault-finding, fabulous fretting, and fussiness flaunting fecundity.

The topic - Ocupy Wall Street (I refuse to use OWS, as only important or useful things should have acronyms.  Whenever I read a story that uses OWS, I always ask myself "Which year?  Will they have potions & defense against the dark arts?").  Protestors used to need a reason to protest.  They used to need some unifying theme or list of demands.  But our society has now managed to produce a breed of near pubescent "revolters" that require neither message nor reason.  They think that sleeping in their filth, committing crimes, screaming at bank walls (google it), and public urination are sufficient for a complaint and will somehow increase public dialogue.

Also, apparently there is some outrage about a "pepper spray" incident.  It looks kinda bad, but you have to ask yourself, "if it is illegal to camp there, and the police ask you to move, and you lock arms so they cannot move you, would you rather have a broken arm or pepper spray in the face?"  But luckily, we have the all-wise media to show us an example of police brutality and explain to us why Obamavillians are in the right again.

Good news, though.  I have a few solutions.  Set up a Job Fair in Zuccotti park and you will not believe how fast Obamaville will clear right out.  Alternatively, for all those who are risking their lives or breaking laws to get into our country for its opportunities, in an attempt to flee their povery-stricken, socialist countries, we could make a trade straight across.  In fact, we'll give you two of our protestors for one of your hard workers.  The protestors can go and love socialism together with the countries that have already adopted their policies.  It's mostly too bad they can't afford a boat ticket to Europe, where all their socialist ideals are continuing to create the utopia they dream of.  First stop, Greece.  Make sure to bring your tent and your bucket... you are going to need them.

It's been 3 years of glorious complaints. Glorious. I feel like after all this time I should bring forth an issue that I have only briefly addressed in prior posts. Nevertheless, this topic must be mentioned. The reasons it must be addressed are three fold. 1) It is super-fugly. 2) I want all the world to be clear on my feelings for this "situation". 3) I have hopes that additional public mockery will make the offending parties desist in their silly behaviors in this area.

I have only a few words to say about it. Here goes. Ratted hair. What? Why is it shaped like that? Are we meant to believe that their head is shaped like that? What is the goal of hair ratting? Because if it is to make prettier hair then we are failing at societal hair prettiness ideals. It is gross under all conditions. Unless maybe if you have some sort of head deformity you are trying to hide under there...

As an example of what ALL hair ratting ends up looking like, (Yes, all! I don't care if you think yours doesn't look like this. It does.) I present this video, which coincidentally is hilarious and you should watch the entire thing. (Mom, DO NOT WATCH IT! It has a bad swear at the end.) This guy's hair looks like a Utah/ Idaho girls.

Finally, a suggestion if you insist on having poofy hair: A hampster would make a fun "Bump-It".

After a long time without looking on Complaining Blog I returned to view it's whiney splendor and I realized something. Emily and I are super funny. So you're welcome everyone. And should you wish for Complaining Blog to continue to flourish, please persist in your assinine behavior and we will persist in complaining about it in super funny ways. See below for examples.

A popular song was played during a break at a football game I attended today. A gentleman I know turned to another and said "Are noises set to a beat technically considered music now?" in a snarky sort of voice. Um... yes. I'm pretty sure that is the exact definition of music. 

If you do the harmony parts when singing group "Happy Birthday" then you are annoying. I don't care how pretty you think your voice is. You. Are. Annoying. Also, the song does not sound any better with your "Happy Birthday, Starring ME!!!" version than it does in the regular version. Just more annoying. No one needs you to spoil their birthday like that.

Since when did everyone's kids get so lazy? How come every kid is like "I don't do chores. That's for peasants."? Or sometimes they say "I didn't get enough sleep last night so I don't have to do anything today". When did this happen? Because last I remember you still have to do stuff even if you stay up too late watching Blue's Clues, or whatever they watch. Plus you have to clean up the crumbs that you spill all over when you throw your goldfish crackers at the other kids. How did these basics of humanity stop happening? Beats me.

Since when did chalk get so trendy? Everywhere I look there is some new way to incorporate chalk into your life. There is furniture painted with chalk paint, tutorials on how to make your own chalk paint, and no home with children in it is complete without one wall completely dedicated to a humongous chalkboard. Well, I've got news. I hate chalk. So much. I once taught a class that had a chalkboard in it and I would bring in a whiteboard from home so I wouldn't have to touch it. When that got too cumbersome I would just put on gloves whenever I needed to write on the chalkboard. I hate how gritty chalk feels. And the sound it makes when you write with it....so gross. So does that make me a bad mom because I don't have a wall sized chalkboard for my kids and because I won't write with sidewalk chalk with them? Probably.

Adult on adult lap sitting often ends up being just plain weird, and not romantic or fun like it seems.

Concerned reader, Adrienne, sent me the following message regarding the carts at IKEA: "I swear they have cameras in the break room and all the employees just sit there and watch us, laughing as we, innocent customers, walk around like retards trying to control those things."

And then she told me a story about getting stuck in a pothole in the IKEA parking lot, her cart being full of picture frames and children. All because she couldn't control her "special needs" cart. So then I had to laugh for a while. Then it got me to thinking. Adrienne makes an excellent point. Why on earth does IKEA have such wonky carts? My theories range from passive aggressive anger at the arrogant Americans from the Swedes; a hobo being on their Cart Design Team and that was his expert advice; or maybe just Europeans legitimately don't know how carts work. You know, cause they don't have things like Costco and Walmart over there. They go down to their fancy shops to get their bread and cheese and that's what they eat for the day. They aren't loading up on extra large boxes of fish crackers and  jumbo deluxe packages of toilet paper.

I was at IKEA just the other day and I seriously could not stop the cart from running into their display furniture. Just when you think you've found the sweet spot for pushing it veers out of control and runs into an EKTORP sofa or something. So, for all you Europeans out there, here is how a cart is supposed to work: all the wheels go in the same direction; when you push forward, the cart goes forward; when you wish to turn, the cart turns at the same push-to-turn-ratio of effort you are exerting instead of spinning wildly out of control. It is not a hard concept, although apparently one that is foreign to some people (specifically, the IKEA Cart Designers).

Also I love your meatballs. That is all.

I would just like everyone to refer back to THIS prior complaining blog post written by Emily as an explanation for why my hair currently looks that way it does. I can't go get it done. I don't have a good hair-do girl. Choices: Have scraggle ends and 4 inches of re-growth or have Nancy Hicks Gribble hair. It appears I've made my choice. I'll call this hairstyle "homeless-lady chic".

Voila: a French term. Translated literally it means "see there" or "look there". Often it is used in English to suggest an appearance as if by magic.

It is not wa-la, walaa, wa law, or any other retarded person variation of the actual word "voila". What kind of friggin moron do you have to be to seriously think that wa-la is the correct way to write that word? Or any word?