Complaining Blog

Sometimes when I tell people that their kids look just like them or their spouse, I do no mean it as a compliment. If someone is ugly you might think that they would consider this when showing off the pictures they took of their kids when they had just eaten strained peas. I'm sure they found it absolutely adorable at the time, but to me it just looks like their gross kid is even grosser than usual.

Why would God give us things like chocolate and then make it bad for us? I think it is all a cruel trick. Here are the pros to eating a diet of straight m&m's:
- Obviously: It tastes good!
- M&M's don't go bad like vegetables do. You can have the same package of m&m's in your bag for a month and it will still be okay to munch on them.
- They are so cheap compared to real food. You can buy the huge bag for like $3.
- So many pretty colors!
- Again, they taste so good!

Cons:
- You will get fat and perhaps die.
- Also if they are left out in the sun they sometimes get a little melty. But I would so rather eat melty chocolate than a hot salad. Have you ever tried to eat a salad that has been sitting in your hot car for an afternoon? Ew.

Now let's compare that to eating a "healthy" diet:
- Anyone who says they like eating salads more than candy is deluding themselves and probably putting so much dressing and stuff on it that it would have been just as healthy to eat candy!
- Vegetables go bad in a couple of days. They just don't have the shelf life that good over-processed candy does.
- You can't go to the store, buy one family size bag of lettuce and be able to live off of it for 3 weeks. You can't even keep it in your bag- you have to keep it in the fridge. Where is the convenience?

Pros:
- You won't get fat and die.

In conclusion we can clearly see that if you eat a diet of just m&m's you will be happy but fat. And if you eat just salad you will be miserable but skinny. Life is cruel.

It is becoming spring and I would like to submit my springtime opinion. I hate it. It's always tantalizing me with the possibility of warm weather only to plunge back into the depths of miserable cold again and again.

I only like it when it is actually nice weather, not nature's cruel tricks. Come on weather! When is it going to be nice outside? I have bike riding and laying out to do! Hurry up!

Use paragraphs. If you don't it just looks like one looooooong thought and it is impossible to read. Plus it makes you appear to be utterly incompetent when it comes to writing, and probably all thinking in general.

Isn't it nice to have things separated by the spacing of a paragraph? Even if you're not sure where to put them, just throw one in every couple of lines. It's better this way, really.

In conclusion, I hate short hair on girls. How long is it before it crosses that very fine line from short hair into old-lady hair? Not long. This is a short leap from a pixie cut people!

TV Reality love shows. Seriously? What kind of hard core retard would you have to be to go on a reality dating show and think that it's gonna work out?

Also I love The Bachelor! That's great t.v. If you don't mind people being retarded, that is.

Fat people should not be allowed out. I don't mean chubby people, I mean full on fat people. They take up too much space and are always clogging the walkways and rubbing up on me in tight spaces. Plus if they weren't allowed out to go to the grocery store they would eventually shrink enough to be classified as only chubby and would then be allowed out again. How long do you think a 300 pound person could live on just water and their fat?

It is just so so so nasty to see someone waddling around in their jersey pants and have to stand next to them and hear them huff and puff to reach the Cheetos or order their 5 big macs (not that I would ever really eat at McDonalds, that is just an image I picture about fat people.)
Also at the airport they are practically a death sentence if you are trapped in the same side of the airport as the terrorist bombers and they are clogging the line so you can't get through. Or if you are on the same plane as them and that plane goes down there is no way you are getting past them in the aisle.

Fatties are a nuisance to society and furthermore society is not designed to accommodate them. How do fatties even fit through a regular door? Not to mention the extra strain they put on the medical system. I bet doctors would have a ton more time to spend on regular people if fat people were not in there all the time with their weight related problems. Humorous/disgusting story about that here.

In conclusion fat people should have to lose weight or stay home. For my sake if not for their own. They are nasty.

P.S. I hope all you party-poopers out there realize that I am only writing this as a response to a particularly nasty bout of fat-person-rubbing-up-on-me and not because I really hope all fat people would be confined to their houses. So if you were considering thinking rude thoughts about me you can just not. Besides, don't pretend you don't think fat people are gross too.

Winter makes everyone look uglier. And fatter. Summer clothes are way cuter than winter clothes. How is there anything even remotely cute about a sweater? It's only deemed socially appropriate to wear something as ugly as a sweater because it's cold and we would die without it in this frigid misery. I'm starting to think I would rather die than wear stupid long pants and long sleeves every day. Yuck.

Seriously, whose idea was it, as a settler or nomad or whatever, to make their home in a place that was not warm? Why would a person who is wandering all over the earth anyway stop in a horrible place, thus setting the precedent for a vast population of people to inhabit the horrible place? I will never understand why, if there are nice places on the earth, people live by choice in the not nice places.

Basically I'm just complaining that the weather sucks. I hate winter and snow and days that the sun never shines. Poo poo poo on the poor weather.

There is nothing I despise more than standing in line. Really, is there anything in life more degrading than being forced to huddle together and slowly proceed to your destination like a bunch of cattle being herded? And it is never to anything cool; lines always lead to something like a cheap buffet or the cranky lady at the DMV. You know that those cashiers in the grocery store feel such a power trip when there is a line in their aisle. They know that they could close their register at anytime and then what would happen to the line? Everyone has to run as fast as they can to get in line somewhere else. It is quite humiliating. I doubt that celebrities or royalty ever have to submit to line-standing. It is something only "commoners" do. But the worst thing are people who stand too close to you in line. I am not kidding, I have had people nudge me repeatedly with their guts in an effort to get me to move up in line. Do they not understand how a line works? Do the think that if they are not standing directly on me there will be a sudden rush for their spot in line? Sometimes when people are standing too close to me I will start singing that song "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Not loud, just loud enough so the too-close stander can hear. Also I will stand way, way far back from the person in front of me because I know it bugs the person behind me. And so that they will learn proper line-standing etiquette.

Only two days ago I was in the sunshine in a bikini and I loved, loved, loved it. Today it was too cold outside for the elementary school kids to go out for recess. Only four hours apart by car, these locations were, but so many more miles apart in misery. I'l never understand how I made myself come back home. Or how I will make it to August before I move to a reasonable climate. Uugghhh. Stupid cold weather.