Complaining Blog

When people's side hair parts are like waaaaaaaaaayyyy to the side- FUGLY. Parts are supposed to be at the side of the top of the head, not the side of the side of the head, like in the pre-ear zone. That looks so dumb every time.

I'm a church going woman. I attend weekly, which is more church going than a lot of other people I know. But I'm not like, rabid for it. I don't do every activity and every single phone tree whatever and go to every church ladies function ever invented. And you know what? Now I'm a church loser because I don't do enough church stuff! I have been so blatantly snubbed by these churchy biotches just because I don't count the minutes until I can attend the next church ladies ordeal!

I go to Sunday ladies meeting and sit all alone every single week even though every woman in there knows me (it's not like I haven't been attending for over a year!) because I had the audacity to not attend the craft making meeting on Thursday or the Book Club on Tuesday or the Park Day on Wednesday OR the Mommy and Me on Friday AND to top it all off I didn't even go to Mid-Morning Workout on Monday, Wednesday and Friday! How dare I?! Now I have to snubbed about it.

I'm nice! Wouldn't you think that since I am not there at every single other thing there would be at least one person who would talk to me on Sunday since she hadn't seen me all week? Nope. I even try to nudge into other people's conversations politely, and they literally turn their backs on me. I don't mean figuratively, I mean actually turn around and box me out so they don't have to talk to me. Who does that? Churchy Biotches, apparently.

Also I would like to point out two other things. One- I have a friend who used to go to this church and then moved and she said the same thing, so she started going to all the extracurricular crap and suddenly had a million friends! So, verified by a second party. That makes it true for sure. Two- I have a job. That's why I can't go to every single thing. Plus I don't want to. Also, like half of the stuff is for people who have kids and I don't have any of those so naturally I can't go to those activities! Duh!

My current plan is to just stop going to that part of church. There are never treats anyway.

Target has the worstiest website! For a company that focuses so much on being "cool" and "hip" you would think they would have a better website. The layout is horrible. The organization is nonsensical. And it is soooo slow!!! I feel like whenever I click on something I want to look at the message is relayed via Morse code to a trailer in Wisconsin where a bevy of blue haired old ladies work. They translate the message ("oh my, this person wants to view those fine Mossimo pumps") and tell Merna whose in charge of Images to find that nice picture of the Mossimo pumps. Merna looks through her file folders until she finds "Mossimo Pumps" then she shuffles over to Blanche who is in charge of Relaying Messages and she enters in the code into her Morse code machine, all the while telling the other blue hairs about Gladys' Chicken Gelatin Divine recipe, and the picture is then loaded up so I can view it on my computer. Then I say "Those shoes are hideous. Maybe I'll look at a Liz Lange top." Then the whole process starts over again.

Um... I moved to California because it was supposed to be warm here. So, WHAT THE HELL?! Is anyone aware that it snowed here last week? I am about to punch this stupid state in the face.

My skin, stomach, and butt: Don't eat anymore Halloween candy! It will only bring you grief!

My mouth: But it's so tasty!

Yesterday during the dog's walk his face got bonked. Now his eye is all swollen and awful! He keeps looking at me with his sad, winky little eye and breaking my heart. Now I will have to break the street lamp pole he ran into.

I need a hair cut and I don't have a hair-do girl.

The kitchen isn't clean. Who keeps getting it dirty in there?

Sometimes I put on documentaries and such while I do house work. I got a documentary on Alexander the Great and it was the cheesiest lamest thing ever! They made the historians they interviewed dress up and act in the reenactments. Plus I think the "chariots" in the action parts were made of a cardboard box and silver lamé fabric. I know it is just my housework movie, but I still care if it is ridiculous!

I look like a sea cow.

Re-modeling is hard work and takes a long time. Also it can be expensive.

I don't have anything to wear with my dress for the party tomorrow.

Those are all the things I have to complain about right now.

The bad news is that it was so cold for me here today. Like freezing, with wind and chilly and cold legs. I shivered. I got goosebumps. I turned the heat up in my car and just sat there to try to warm up. It was unsuccesful. Lame!

The good news is that I have aclimated to my new climate so fully that I was freezing in the 60 degree weather that happened today.

I barfed today. A lot. It was horrible! Throwing up is the worst thing that was ever invented.

How is it possible that practically every thing I own has either broken or run out this week? Everything! Now I have to buy a new washer and dryer (yes, both) and all new face jellies and more milk. I don't want to buy all those things! Not all in one day anyway.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't post on my actual blog more frequently. But then I blog-stalk other people and see the posts with pictures of the blogger and her girlfriends going toWal-Mart and trying on the ugly hats (or whatever other stupid, weird thing. The Wal-Mart hats are just an example). Then I think: "A: I am so glad that none of my friends want to do that and B: I am so glad that I don't have pictures of myself and my friends on the internet trying on the ugly Wal-Mart hats (or whatever other stupid, weird thing)".

I mean, what one person considers bloggable is obviously up to them and everyone will have different standards, but seriously, shouldn't what you share on your blog NOT be the thing you do on a Tuesday night when your husbands are all at ward basketball and there is nothing on tv and your already ate and you don't have an early job the next day and the house is clean and you don't have kids and you have nothing else in the world to possibly do except for go to Wal-Mart and make fun of the ugly stuff? Wouldn't you want to post about something that was like, an event? I guess the answer is no for some people.

This means sad things for me because if I haven't posted anything on my blog in while it is because I really haven't done anything fun and bloggable in a while, and am consequently totally boring. At least I don't blog about it. I would rather be a seldom posting blogger than post about the bruise I got from (fill in the blank) that looks like (fill in the blank).

This of course doesn't mean I won't read those types of blogs. I will just make fun of them in my head while I read them, like usual.

My husband doesn't like it when I wear like, eyeliner and stuff. Sometimes I don't want to have casual face on- I want to have fancy face on. But then he's like "Well look at you all..... eye make-upy and stuff! That's....... different."

Either he thinks I'm so pretty that I only need the teensiest of make up, or he thinks I'm so ugly that make up only accentuates the horrors. It's hard to know.

I Just Can't Seem to Look Away: Twilight

I hate Twilight. But I still went to see the movie today. Why? I don't know. I knew it would suck and I would make fun of it my head and sometimes out loud the whole way through. But I just couldn't help myself! It really is like a car wreck you guys.

I liked the books kind of. I thought they were entertaining-ish and easy reads and clean. They were not literary art or great writing or wonderful stories or any of the other things that make an ok story into a great book, but they were nice. But the movies are soooooo terrible! The acting! The scenery! The acting! The script! THE ACTING! It is all so bad that it makes my eyes water like when you eat something super sour and have to sneeze at the same time.

You know what I think is disgusting? Prenatal photo shoots. Have we addressed this before? Because seriously, ew.

Why is it when I came into your salon and asked for my highlights to be touched up did you interpret that into "I would like my hair the ugliest most nondescript color of hair possible?" Furthermore, I don't recall asking for super choppy, chunky, chin-length layers. I thought I asked for a trim; so why is it I can barely fit all of my hair into a ponytail now? Also, did I mention when I came in that my friends and I would be getting together after for a Dynasty reenactment? Or that I might be stopping by Channel 5 to give the weather report? I didn't come in with helmet hair, so why am I leaving looking like a 1995 Miss America runner-up??? On top of all that, why do you feel the need to talk down to me about things like the brand of shampoo I use? You cut hair for a living! It's not like you are regarded as the sage of our society. Just some things you might want to consider.

Regards,

Emily

It's freaking hot. And I need some lip gloss.

It has come to my attention that some people are not aware of who exactly posts on compaining blog. There are two of us. Emily and Melodie. Perhaps we should start to sign our posts or something so that when Emily writes "My kids diaper smells like that soup from PF Changs! Boo!", then people won't be all confused because they didn't think I had any kids. I don't. That is all.

Love, Melodie

I'm annoyed of all the weird anti-snoring crap out there. Since when was a good hard elbow jab to the ribs not effective enough? Everyone is such babies.

We are currently searching for a house and I have been completely appalled at some of the houses we have gone through. So, since people obviously don't know these things on their own, here are some things that will ensure your house will never sell:

- Wood paneled rooms
- Horrible home paint jobs (just because you advertise it as "new paint" does not necessarily make it "good paint")
- Leaving your old crappy furniture in the house for "staging"
- DISNEYLAND! inspired bathrooms (I had to say it DISNEYLAND! and not like Disneyland because it was truly that obnoxious)
- Dirty bathtubs
- Giant man-eating cats guarding the front door
- Funky smells. Including mildew, mold, curry, smoke, animal, and general stank.

I could go on forever. But what it mostly comes down to is 1st: do you really think people will want to buy this place? and 2nd: how have you been living in this house when it is this disgusting?

We have recently become friends with some people who are kind of bad parents. I mean- they love thier little boy and everything, but they are just so dumb! Here is a list of stupid things we have seen them do:

1. Feed the boy fritos and 2 popsicles for dinner, then wonder why he is so wired.
2. Brush the boy's teeth by pinning him to the floor with one leg and one arm and cramming the toothbrush into his mouth with the other arm.
3. Lament to a crowd about the boy's disdain for fruit while the boy yoinks grapes off of some one's plate.

These people are super nice and I'm sure their kid will turn out great. It's just funny to watch.

Can we pass some sort of a law that crafts and sewing can only be used for good and not evil?

No, this is not a blog post about the actual act of procreation, though I know some of you were hoping for it (get your mind out of the gutter). This is a blog post about why don't people mind their own damn business? Here are some questions to never ask someone:

Why don't you have kids?
When are you going to have kids?
Are you trying to have kids?
When will you get pregnant?

Also don't say:
My kids are so annoying.
You should be grateful you don't have kids.
You should have kids so we can hang out.

If someone does not have kids it is none of your business why. Unless you are besties. Then you can ask.

The act of concieving, bearing, and raising children is so personal. If you are not absolute besties with someone you can't be asking questions like that! Too personal! If, in conversation, one party does not volunteer information on a personal issue (like bearing children) the other party ought not ask about it. That's manners. Also it is a good idea to think how your questions and comments might make the other party feel. Most of all it is a good idea to not be a dumbass, but apparently some people can't manage that.

I know I've said a jillion things about how lame I think it is when people have private blogs. But I just have this one last things to say about it and then I'm done forever. Or until I get the private blog screen on one I was totally curious about and am annoyed and have to blog-vent.

One big reason for people doing private blogs, it seems to me, is that they don't want pervs or weirdos looking at the pictures of their kids. So they make it private and only invite friends and family. Does it never occur to anyone that some of their friends or family might be pervs and weirdos? All the pervs and weirdos in the world are related to someone- what if it is to all the private bloggers? I wish that there were no grossies like that out there, but you know there are and you don't know who they are. Unfortunately there is no guarantee that allowing only people you know to see your blog will decrease the chances a perv will see it. You could be best friends with a grossie! You don't know! The world is full of freaks. So people should let everyone read their blogs and not delude themselves by thinking that their friends and families could never be crazy because they totally could be. But I hope they aren't.

Also if you are a perv or weirdo reading this blog, please stop. You are ruining blogging for everyone else.

And that is the last thing I will say about private blogs. Probably.

Do I even need to write anything? No. But I'm going to anyway because you know I've got something to say about this disgusting situation.

Reasons I hate "rompers":

1. Originally designed for babies. I think I have a picture of me wearing a romper when I was a baby, in fact. What's next, adult onesies? Probably.

2. Fat. Doesn't matter how skinny you are, you'll look fat in a romper.

3. The article of clothing in question is called such ridiculous names as "romper", "jumper" and "playsuit". How can you respect it with a name like that?

4. You have to take the whole business off if you want to go to the bathroom! Incovenient.

5. Butt ugly.

Hopefully rompers will soon go the way of trucker hats, gaucho pants, vests and business shorts, and we can all go into Urban Outfitters again without fear of our eyes turning into stone upon seeing another fugly romper.

Growing up my dad was a big-wig at the local hospital, so every time I went there I was treated like the boss's daughter (candy, toys, and a general effort to please me). Now I am just a regular patient and everyone is so rude! Where are the toys?! Why are they making me wait so long? Why are none of the nurses offering to take me to see the new babies?! When, for heaven's sake, will I be offered a some candy?!!

I have been tricked into thinking that hospitals were some fun land where everyone likes you. Turns out they are a not fun land where everyone puts needles and speculums in you. Lame.

Huzzah for the author of this list. I fully agree with the whole thing, despite being guilty of most. I'll work on having better manners while pondering how I would add to the list. Number 11 would for sure be discussing money or politics in mixed company- a particular beef of mine lately.

I think I might be getting old. Last week I went into the mall and actually left the store because the music was too loud. But now I can't decide if I am old or if the stores are just more lame.

Is playing music distractingly loud now among the criteria for being a hip retail store? I'm not asking for elevator music or anything, but I do feel like my ears ought not be assaulted when I want to buy a t shirt. For one thing the employees in that store are going to go deaf at an early age, plus that dang loud music inhibits my clothing judgement and being fearful of making a bad decision I end up buying nothing. Furthermore, if I, in desperation for a cute new clothing item, continue to shop at that store despite the ear splitting racket I tend to get grumpy and I do not feel like that is my fault. It's just too loud in there! How is anyone supposed to stay sane?

I have yet to make a thorough study of the matter but I believe there is a direct correlation between the volume of the music and the trendy/cheap ratio. However, lacking the proper tools to complete such a study (namely- a decibel meter) I am just going to ahead and assume that if a store carries kind of cute clothes for cheap it is too loud in there. Or possibly that I'm an old lady. Either way I can only shop at JC Pennys now.

I have a lot of bad dreams. They're usually not like, horror dreams where someone is chasing me or I have to wear harem pants or anything like that, but oftentimes awkward or uncomfortable happenings haunt me in the night. I've heard that dreams have something to do with your subconscious thoughts. If that is the case I have one craaaazy subconscious mind. Strangely, I still love to sleep.

Two nights ago I experienced the worst, worst, worstiest dream ever possible. Worse than scorpions dream, the teeth falling out dream, toilet snakes dream (sometimes I dream that there are scorpions and snakes in the toilet together- for some reason its always percieved an inconvenience during the dream rather than being super scary- still horrible), having to go on a date with another man even though I'm married dream, being lost dream, someone at work stole my lunch dream, even worse than the dreaded naked dream. The worst dream ever possible in humanity happened to me and this was it: I dreamt that I got with Michael Jackson.

Oh, it was so awful! He kept singing "I Just Can't Stop Loving You". It was with the mid-80's Michael Jackson that was after his first nose job, but before his 27th. Also, as would logically be the case if you were in this situation, there were stage lights going on- like strobes and disco lights. I can never ever explain how horrible it was. Uh, Barf! I need a brain scrubbing!

How dare my brain subject me to such horrible things?! Dreams are officially NOT COOL. I am considering investing in the world's largest dream catcher because I am not down with this kind of stuff! How did this even happen? Why? Why me?! Ew, it's so gross!!!

Dreams, you suck! Stop getting in my head and ruining everything!

Wow. This is too weird. Too absolutely damn weird. I don't even know what is happening here.

Do: Cute pictures of your kids

Remember back when the office was totally funny? Those were the good old days. Now it sucks. It fully and completely sucks. I didn't make it more than 3 minutes in to the most recent episode but I believe it was a CLIP SHOW. Seriously? That should not even be legal.

First of all Pam and Jim should never have gotten together. It ruined everything. The sexual tension between then made the show exciting. Secondably if the only things they can come up with are clip shows flaunting the former humor of the show and Michael getting himself into painfully awkward situation that always just end up sad (Scotts Tots not getting their scholarships? Sad.) then I am finished. I am no longer a fan of the office and I hope it gets cancelled and they make double 30 Rock to compensate.

Some of the crap people are naming their kids these days seriously makes me want to throw up. I saw someone who had named their little boy JUMPER. As a name! How do they expect him to be a respectable adult with a name like that?! I can actually imagine (though I disagree) that they thought it would be cute for their little baby boy. Apparently that is all they ever expect him to be because you can not be a grown up with a name like Jumper. That is disgusting.

Also I hate Mc_____ (fill in the blank with anything). McTaisly, Mcinsly, McAinsley, McBrinley, Mcailla, Mclinley. Those names are vomiticious.

Furthermore, I loath creative name spelling. It is a display of parental ignorance that lasts, quite literally, the child's entire life. It's not cool to spell words incorrectly- names are no exception.

Now I have no beef with people naming their kids unique names as long as they are actual names and not strings of randomly chosen letters, words they like with a letter changed, weird combinations of several names or words, or just plain other words that are not names- just words. I understand that people with kids might not want their kid to be the 6th Jack in his elementary school class but that is no excuse to name him Jumper, or Brax (part Brother part Ajax??), or Brigdon, or Baden, or Torpel or whatever else weird stupid name.

Finally, girls should be named girl names. No more girls named Jordan, Riley, Ryan, etc. Girls have enough names to choose from without poaching from the more limited boys selection.

Sorry if you named your kid something weird and are now suffering the consequences of my wrath and disapproval and are consequently offended. Kind of serves you right for choosing poorly.