| 1:27 PM |
Doctor's Office, Part 2 |
You may recall in our last episode of doctor's office the Doc. had decided that I had either women's polio or bubonic plague, and needed to have some tests done.
Step 1: Go to the front desk and ask to pay. Front desk girl : "You have a co-payment of $300 dollars and we'll bill you for the rest." Me: "WTF?" Pay all my money, and try to schedule a follow up appointment for after the "tests" are finished. Front desk girl claims that the results of said tests will be sent to their office and they will call me. Ok...
Step 3. Go to blood drawing place and repeat step 3 of 'Doctor's Office, Part 1', doubling the time and stink level. Say a silent prayer of gratitude for internet on my phone. Watch as seven Mexican families with at least 6 children each in tow go before me because the Mexican working the front desk likes them best. They are probably all cousins.
Step 4. Finally, it's my turn. Igor comes to get me, makes me sit in one of those chairs with the "misery arm rests" on either side. You know, the ones with special arm rests for drawing blood? Turns out he will be the one sucking my blood and would like to know which arm I prefer to have mutilated. The left. Despite the fact that my arms look like a map of the amazon river, he has a hard time finding the vein. Luckily I planned ahead and got high on cough syrup at hour 5 of my wait, so the pain is tolerable. When Igor finally finds a vein he takes 74 vials of blood while he wiggles the needle around inside my arm and tries to ask invasive personal questions to distract me from my essential fluids painfully oozing out my arm into a jam jar sized vial. I am dismissed feeling arm raped.
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| My blood drawing guy, Igor. |
Step 5. Repeat step one of Doctor's Office, Part 2, except with a Mexican lisp accent.
Step 6. Six weeks later: have received three bills from each office asking for $600 and a flask of dragon tears and have not received a call from the Doctor's office. So I call them. Front desk girl "Um, ya it looks like everything came back normal- no polio, plague, or std's, so we can go ahead and schedule you a follow up appointment. How does 87 years from now sound? We can getcha in first thing in the morning!"
Step 7. Give up. Use NyQuil, optimism, and shopping as medication instead.
And that is my excuse for acting the way I do, and for my house looking the way it does. And for being obsessed with my dogs.
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